Love & Logic

So I'm taking a parenting class on Tuesday nights called, "Parenting Your Kids With Love & Logic." The premise of the class is raising kids that think. They think about their actions, and the rewards or consequences that will follow. It's about learning to give your children choices. Choices that I, as the parent, can live with. "Do you want to wear your red coat, or your blue coat?" The point is the child WILL wear a coat, but they get to choose which one. As for elementary kids, "Do you want to do homework before you get your snack or after?" The kids WILL do homework, but they get to chose when. As teens? Do you think you can be home by 9pm or is 9:30 better for you? The point? The teen will be in the door before 10pm. It's a really interesting class that gives parenting techniques that not only save lots of arguing and frustration, but it also keeps the responsibility on the child. If the parent has a problem with the kids' actions, it soon needs to become the child's problem. It encourages parents to take care of themselves and limit confrontations, yelling and repeating yourself over and over and over. I have used these techniques with my kids for the last four weeks that I've been in class. Here's how it went down:

Angel: Angel has had his Playstation in the car for the last week and a half. I'd asked him to take it out and put it away more than three times. Finally, I said, "If you want to keep your playstation, it needs to be out of the car before bedtime tonight. If you leave it in the car overnight again, you're telling me you don't want it and I can sell it, okay?" He agreed. Unfortunately, my 11 year old son left it in the car overnight, again. I was so sad that he had done that. I picked up the playstation and put it away. He's not asked for it, he hasn't mentioned it, nothing. My poor son is living with the consequences of his actions. He can't yell at me or accuse me of taking it away, because I gave him a choice, and he chose. Now he's playstation-less because of his choice. My response? "How sad, son. I'm sorry you don't have it anymore. I know that must feel really bad." I hugged him and that was it.

Alliah: We were shopping at Target for some church dresses. She's growing like a weed so all her dresses were becoming way too short. There were a few we found on sale so she tried four dresses on. Every one of them looked amazing on her. We put them all in the basket. As we walked down the aisles looking at shampoo, soaps, etc., she remembered she wanted a new journal. I put my newly acquired skills into action. "Well, Alliah, you've chosen four dresses. All of them look really good on you, but you want a new journal also?" She responded with an emphatic YES! I offered a switch. I told her that she could exchange one dress for a journal (they cost just about the same...great sale!) She hesitated. Had I just said, "no", she would have hung her face throughout the store, thus making me mad and putting all the dresses back and her leaving with nothing. Instead, I left it up to her. She stood there in front of the cart, staring at the dresses for about 30 seconds. She chose to put one dress back and pick a new journal. She was as happy as a kite and we had a wonderful time browsing through the aisles of Target together. I didn't chose for her, but I gave her options I was willing to live with. She left with three dresses, a journal, and a thankful attitude. I left with peace of mind.

Grace: Gracie loves TV...she is a TV baby! "Cartoons" is one of her favorite words - and now 'Calliou' is a new favorite word. She LOVES that cartoon and even sings the theme song at the top of her lungs and dances in circles every time it comes on. Calliou was on and after about an hour of watching tv already I wanted the tv off. I sat down on the floor next to Gracie, sang the song along with her then said, "Do you want to watch a little bit (showing her a "little bit" with my fingers) of Calliou or do you want a looooong time (showing her "a long time" by stretching out my arms) of sitting with mamma and reading a book?" I held up one of her favorite books. Now Grace is just 20 months old so I didn't know if she'd understand. She put her pointer finger on her chin, looked up to the ceiling and said, "uhhhhh....BOOK!" She got it! I didn't have to turn the tv "No more," followed by Grace screaming and throwing herself on the floor. She walked over to the tv, turned it off, walked to the couch where we sit to read books, saying "up...book." We sat and read a book, she had snack and went down for a three hour nap afterwards. In just three minutes of offering a choice, I gave myself three hours of quiet.

I am amazed. Not only does this work with children, but with adults, too. I've tried it on Larry (those details I won't share LOL) and even we ended a conversation on a happy note, in what could have been an otherwise compromising conversation. I'm learning everyone needs to feel they control something within their own life. With each choice, they learn to live with the rewards of their choices or the consequences of them. There's no blaming because it was their choice! It sounds so simple, but it's not always simple to do. It takes some practice. I've blown it more than once, but I keep trying! :)